Being okay with basic.

Does basic have to be bad? I think it's kind of cool (says the basic one...)

I’m having a hard time motivating myself to write lately. Namely because I’m not sure what to say, and also because I’m starting to feel real basic. Perhaps I have something to say, but does anyone want to hear it? Does anyone actually give a shit about the fertility journey or real life follies and fuck ups of an unknown therapist who second-handedly fancies themselves a writer? I’m not sure they do.

But I suppose writing should be more about the art, the flow of words onto the page and the way writing makes me feel rather than a focus on how others receive what I have to say. But come on—who doesn’t want an adoring audience?

So here’s the basic truth: the last few months, most especially weeks, have been incredibly challenging. I have never been one for the holidays (though I have a pretend love affair with them in my mind) and Thanksgiving really knocked me off my feet. It’s only been a year and a half since my dad left this earthly realm and despite not celebrating Thanksgiving with him for many years (opting instead to remain in LA and not travel during the shittiest time of the year to travel), being with my partner’s family brought up so much unexpected emotion. Oh yeah: and I found out, in a not-so-fabulous way that my partner’s sister is pregnant. And while I can hold space for her joy (and I sincerely do feel so happy for her), I can also hold space for myself and for my unmet longing and desire. Both can be true, I remind myself daily.

I am certain of very little these days. I am overly attached to my morning coffee being the right temperature and to outcomes that are out of my control. I am wrestling with myself: do I sincerely want this or am I on a run-away train that can’t stop until it’s reached it’s unknown and final destination? Life is tricky right now. Life is tricky always. How can I relate to these tricky moments with ease, with grace, with self-compassion? How can I extend that compassion to my partner, my friends, my clients? How can I allow and loosen my grip on the wheel? These are all very good questions that I don’t entirely have the answer to. Each day, I am seeking a sense of clarity. Each day, I am working with my anxious mind to create more stillness. Each day, I am leaning toward love (love love love love love). Each day, I am failing miserably. And each day, I am growing and learning and cultivating a deeper relationship with all the parts of myself—particularly the prickly ones, the sticky ones, the ones I don’t want the world to see. It is all incredibly humbling.

What comes next? I don’t get to decide that.